Lindsay’s Scribblings

I suppose it’s been long enough now
That I can hazard writing this apology poem
And hope it won’t bring on another wave of hurt
I know it will be a while yet before we really talk in person,
Talk being more than a quick exchange of words,
And even longer still before (if ever) we get to what you really wanted to say
So let me say it now, although I have no guarantee you’ll see-

I’m sorry for everything that’s happened
I know if it were me, I would be upset too.
As is, the chaotic emotions that stormed through that week and a half
Were more than enough to completely tear me to pieces
And him too, I suppose you should know,
(Despite constant interjections that it would pass,
Or that because of our age the emotional weight was trivial)
But I know-I know- it was much worse for you.
And I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that it seems as though all of your suspicions were confirmed, despite every reassurance.
Let me repeat that I didn’t mean for this to happen.
But since it has, I should also say that I’m happy (just not at your suffering, either of you).
I’m sorry because I know its my fault, no matter what anyone says, it is.
I wasn’t actively pursuing him if that’s what you’re thinking, but in the end, it still all falls back on me.

Mostly, I’m sorry because it took your suffering
for me to be happy.
Because I am
very very happy,
and I wish that hadn’t come at your own emotional expense.
You deserved better, you didn’t do anything wrong.
I’m not happy because you were upset,
However, it’s a causal relationship,
and for your pain
I’m sorry.

So maybe I’m not as strong as I once was
But I’m trying-
By God, I’m trying.

But my faith is like a delicate balance
Whose readings will vary and easily is measured askew.
While more weight is added to either side
the weight of collective guilt is weighing down upon me.
and all of the messages being preached seem calculated for entirely the wrong ends
“Please give me more money!” they screech at the top of their lungs,
as onlookers nod and eagerly share.
For it’s all for the good of the whole, is it not?
But when power is abused,
and the wrong methods used,
Suddenly, I’m distraught.

It’s not faith in itself I am questioning
For faith in itself is a wonderful thing.
But will someone, anyone, please give me a world
where every moral ideal, in every “good book,”
won’t conflict with reality, twisted by hypocrites, one and all?
Why must we insist on condemning others
simply to comfort ourselves?
How selfish must mankind prove to be
before his self-destructive nature is revealed?
Because ultimately, terrifyingly,
each of us is responsible for the welfare of all the others.

But, I must admit,
I am selfish too.
What I need too often comes before the needs of others.
I need to be humble-
to recognize the innate worth of my fellows
my own fallacies
my lack of importance in the grand scheme of life
and from there-
serve.

Is there a better goal than to strive to love unconditionally
In that I can’t find fault.

If this is brainwashing, I’ll let myself conform.
If this is the way, I’ll let my soul find peace.
But not at the expense of condemning others
for won’t that contradict my very creed?
Who am I to judge anyone?
I am not.
I WILL not.

And I’ll be the first to admit,
I’ve been lax as of late,
But there is this barrier I can’t overcome.
I’ve been trying.
God knows, I’ve been trying.
Maybe
I should try harder.