Veins
Pulsing in synchronism
Below the pale epidermis
I inhabit
Disturb me
Simple mortal vessels, holding my life,
Confirming my fragility.
People die
And I am a person.
Aqua inkstrokes
Traced delicately over my hands and wrists
Disturb me
Showing my inadequacy
And declaring my impermanence.
One day,
I will die.
So maybe it wasn’t a fairytale finish
Maybe I’ve yet to find my happily ever after
But at least it was finally
The End.
Now that everything has come to a conclusion
It’s easier for me to see
I didn’t lose you
So much as you lost me.
I loved you
And you couldn’t handle that
So much for being mature
It’s easier to live in a testosterone bubble
Than to let one person be your cure.
I think when I said I didn’t care,
I lied.
I want to not care,
But I’m not there yet.
In fact I’m more angry than I’ve ever been.
Perhaps
Or really, certainly,
I shouldn’t care.
I have no right to care.
Except that I understand now why I can’t drop it
It isn’t that I don’t want either of you to be happy
But you weren’t honest with me.
In dating her (and let’s not kid ourselves, you may as well be)
You are saying you lied
For our entire relationship, you lied.
When you said you were thinking about me, you lied.
When you told me you loved me, you lied.
Even your kisses were a blasphemy
Telling me, promising me, you cared.
But you were holding onto a secret hope
That of course you couldn’t share.
But I have news for you:
You broke up with her.
You broke up with her and told me there were underlying issues.
You broke up with her and then you came to me.
And while it looks like I was your band-aid,
I would never have filled the job prescription
Had I known I was simply a replacement piece.
I have enough merits of my own;
I don’t need to be anyone’s second-best.
I was happy and I let that go;
I let that go and hurt someone.
Just to be with you.
Those months I spent with you,
You are now screaming in my face-
They didn’t mean anything.
They were a break, a vacation.
And all of our mutual friends
Thought I was just a phase
And I ignored their judgement
And my own
Because in my mind you were perfect.
But here you go,
Proving them correct.
But when did you warn me not to let it matter?
When was I told you could throw me away in the blink of an eye?
When was I informed you wouldn’t get over her?
When did you ask me not to care?
I was a brilliant charade to take your mind off other things.
And maybe if I was more blatent
Maybe if I yelled and screamed,
Stalked you and threw my own temper-tantrums
Maybe then you wouldn’t forget me either?
That’s the subliminal message I’m receiving.
Mr. Let-It-Go never followed his own advice.
And maybe I don’t need you as much now as I did,
Maybe I’m trying my hardest to think of other things,
But you insist on blemishing even the sweetest memories that I had
By showing me it wasn’t real.
And I’m struggling
Because people keep telling me to let go
But I couldn’t have cared about you more if I had tried.
And neither, I suppose, could she.
I’m no longer quite so malleable;
I cannot be recast.
Who I am is who I will always be,
But the tools of life may resculpt my form,
Shaving off impurities here or there.
It’s taken proper files to whip me into shape;
I’m no longer recognizable at least to myself.
The rough edges that defined me
Have been worn smooth with rubbing.
Experience has chaffed me until I was raw,
But my flaws have been ground away.
The grit of life has made me bleed,
And then sanded away my jagged scars.
Like a stone I’ve been cracked often by hammers,
And those faults were then chiseled and polished
Until they became deep channels
Leading to happier times.
I’ve been stabbed and prodded;
The gaping holes creating a void.
But through this opening in the middle of my life,
I take new perspective on the world.
I was new at this kissing thing
Maybe not the basics
But I was still new
And you reassured me
And coaxed me
Until I couldn’t help wanting it too
And I was still a beginner at this
Dating people thing
And you showed me the missing steps
And maybe it didn’t show
How nervous I was
But I was so scared
Because I wanted to impress you
And had no clue how to
Common wisdom says you can love everyone
Common wisdom is wrong
Common wisdom says your heart will heal
And one day
Everything will be ‘OK’
Platitudes tell us
It’s better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all
But I
I loved you
I LOVED you.
And you can’t love everyone
You can’t even love a lot
You can’t love everyone
But I loved you.
If I clap my hands
If I shout
If I profess my never ending love
Will I be able to resurrect our relationship?
And I know it’s the same as yelling
I do believe in fairies
I do
I do
I just don’t understand
Where it was real before
Where it was tangible
Now its make-believe
I don’t understand how something I know
Meant the world to me
Somehow disappeared
My world
Disappeared
I don’t understand how I can remember
All of those wonderful moments
How I can remember you
And the way your whole face softened
When you looked at me
And I could know
I could know
I had eternity
If I could only memorize that look
I don’t understand how an eternity
Ended in the time it took to read a few short paragraphs
Ended and left me alone
And I don’t understand how things
Can be so much like they were
And still be so drastically different
I don’t understand what made you feel this way
But you do
And I
I am done believing in faeries.
Girl. 16.
Bright.
Assertive, but sometimes shy.
Blushes easily
Capable of being practical, but leans towards overly-idealistic.
Well-wisher extraordinaire
Speaks a little fast, walks a little slow.
Barely 5’3” with blue eyes, brown hair.
Makes friends easily
But can be socially awkward among certain crowds
Innocent and naïve,
But emotionally and mentally mature.
Talks during movies,
Overanalyzes plots.
Reads like there is no tomorrow
Draws less than before
Debates, but is admittedly mediocre.
Loves Latin, hates Spanish.
Is too competitive, in everything.
Is slowly beginning to fail math.
Is no longer sure when it comes to religion.
Quirky.
Committed.
Loyal to a fault.
Honest.
Will correct your grammar,
Unless you correct hers first.
Rambles a bit too much.
Is still a bit damaged,
But is hoping for a chance for something new.
This tear rolls down my cheek,
“For beauty,”
It says.
And so
This tear runs over my freckled face,
For love,
I know
And so
This tear trickles along my nose,
“For the past,”
My memories whisper.
And so
This tear moistens my eyelashes,
“For hope,”
My heart declares.
And so
This tear burns my eye,
“For truth,”
My mind yearns.
And so
This tear leaves a salty streak,
For the future that will never be.
And when it splatters on my pillow,
Carrying the weight
Of so many wishes,
It splashes into a new hope,
A new love,
A new knowledge,
A new beauty,
A new outlook on the past.
And this catharsis
Allows,
At last,
The possibility of a different future.
With any luck,
A better one.