Lindsay’s Scribblings

The stakes I keep setting for myself are high
I can always push just a little farther
And though I like myself
I am not good enough
No matter how hard I try
I am not good enough
There is always more to achieve
And there is a limit to how much I can manage
I can be good, but I can rarely be the best
And that’s not enough
In this world where everyone’s multi-talented
I need to conquer all obstacles
But they have me blocked in
And hyperventilation won’t win me the future I need
Stress attacks won’t help me acquire my goals
Worry won’t let me succeed
But if I don’t become good enough
Then I fail

I comprehend the futility of belief
And yet still
I cling to the hope
That God must exist
That there must be more to life
Than what I see
Because what I see
Isn’t enough
Money and sex and drugs
They aren’t enough
But the God I am pushed to accept
Falls flat on his face when challenged
Standing on the weak grounds of intolerance
The stories of religion are marvelous
Perhaps even suspect to suspicion
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if this sin
Sin, which I know is real
Could be recalled by the death of a single man

Every week is one more mile
Racking up on my odometer
Measuring the emotional distance
Between where we were and are where we are
And the farther that I get
The smaller the blip
Of my past
Registering with my on-board GPS

I am selfish
I look after myself before I take care of others
This may be the innate nature of man;
It still seems wrong.
I am impatient
I snap when a response takes too long
Sometimes without fair grounds.
I am envious
It scares me to think I am worse than anyone.
I worry too much
I should trust in the future
But it seems up to me to set the world right.
And I act too little
Too often I plan out my every word
And then am paralyzed by cowardice.

I waited so long to attempt to make it better
I don’t know what was stopping me
Or perhaps I do
I was worried, as you were too
That if I was wrong I would have nobody to blame
I was wrong
I have nobody to blame
And it IS better
Because there isn’t any blame to be given
When I am no longer clinging to the shameful desire
To assign it

Memories hover at the peripheries of my vision
A whisper in my ear
A twitch of a smile
Hot breath on my neck
The slight brush of skin
Memories hover there
A blur in the corner of my eye
A magnetically attracted glance
The repetition of sentences
The echo of my thoughts
Memories hover there-
I blink them away.

It took me too long
To be standing here
It took me too long
To apologize
It took me too long
To heed my conscience
And to repent
For all those times
I could have spoken
But didn’t
For all those times
I should have smiled
But couldn’t
For all those times
I knew I wasn’t being fair
And still I couldn’t work up the nerve
To try to jump the overwhelming gap
I wish I hadn’t hesitated

When I shut my eyelids
I imagine I can touch every continent
Imagine I can caress people half a world away
Outstretched arms reveling in
The dark clouds above me
The timeless ocean
The moon’s gravity.
The sea stretches vastly onwards
Empty
Eternal
Magnificent
Indifferent
Undisturbed and uncontrollable
Touching every continent:
Incarnate hope.

The murky gray water rushes against my chest,
And splashes into my awaiting face.
I kneel before the oncoming breakers:
Praying for redemption
In the power of the moment,
In the struggle to remain afloat,
In the darkness beneath the surface,
When I see how long I can hold my breath.
Each new battery leaves me gasping,
And I blink the saline out of my eyes.
I desire to be overtaken with every swell
To be swiftly swept away from the life
That I no longer understand.
And in the calm between the waves,
Cold rain melds into the warm sea.
Fusing me not only with the ocean,
But with the stormy sky it meets.
Baptizing me in the name of second chances,
Into a world greater than myself.
And everything that’s come before
Is forgotten all at once,
Rinsed off with the tide.

You puzzle me:
You search for me
Your eyes seek mine
I look up to find you watching me
Or I see you as I glance around
And I’m confused
Because then you tilt your head slightly
And give an awkward wave
Trying to be casual
But casual shouldn’t seem fake.