Lindsay’s Scribblings

Such a blank white canvas is
Intimidating
Though it never was before
I have resisted it
And you
Imperiously
Meekly
But now I shall concede.

I recognize this pattern:
The emails, the phone call
The internet stalking.
I recognize this pattern
The need for some,
Any
Interaction, recognition, reaction,
Justice.

I know what your apology says:
I’m sorry I wasn’t what you wanted
I’m sorry I couldn’t convince you to stay with me
I’m sorry that you were unhappy
I’m sorry that I snapped at you
And I wish I hadn’t said I never wanted to speak to you again
Because in reality I do
Every day
The way we used to talk
But not now
With the prospect of your misdeeds looming overhead.
Oh yes, I know what your apology says,
And I know that it doesn’t compare
With the apology I owe you.

Desire I can write of
Fury just the same
But Love
Love
My pen tarnishes thy name

The ink heart on my hand bleeds
And I want it to bleed
Into you
To Impress you
Imprint you
Meld you
Mine
With a single
Spasmodic squeeze

The ink heart on my hand bleeds
Like I will
If you leave.

‘Twixt you and I,
nothing should ever intercede -
not conspiring mothers,
not pernicious lovers,
not distance,
not time,
not cloth.
‘Twixt you and I,
nothing should ever intervene.

Oh, my love
This lust
Is not well-intentioned
Not innocent
Not sweet
Oh, my love
This lust
Demands satiation
Immediate and
Indiscreet.

You follow him.
Follow him everywhere
And always have.
You follow him
Follow him everywhere:
Dog-tailing your prince charming
But never keeping his pace.
I accompany him
Stroll with him
Converge with his path
We converge
And yet you follow.

I would swallow you with my eyes
I would seduce you with my words
I would tempt you with my vocabulary
I would kiss you with my hands
I would consume you, complete you, consummate you
If only I was allowed to talk to you at all.

You must be stronger than I
You don’t need to absorb my image
Soak it in
The way I need to absorb you
And your mind
And your competence
You must be stronger than I
You don’t need to memorize my face
Urgently memorialize it
The way I need to memorize you
And your hands
And your lips
You must be stronger than I
You can look away