I think when I said I didn’t care,
I lied.
I want to not care,
But I’m not there yet.
In fact I’m more angry than I’ve ever been.
Perhaps
Or really, certainly,
I shouldn’t care.
I have no right to care.
Except that I understand now why I can’t drop it
It isn’t that I don’t want either of you to be happy
But you weren’t honest with me.
In dating her (and let’s not kid ourselves, you may as well be)
You are saying you lied
For our entire relationship, you lied.
When you said you were thinking about me, you lied.
When you told me you loved me, you lied.
Even your kisses were a blasphemy
Telling me, promising me, you cared.
But you were holding onto a secret hope
That of course you couldn’t share.
But I have news for you:
You broke up with her.
You broke up with her and told me there were underlying issues.
You broke up with her and then you came to me.
And while it looks like I was your band-aid,
I would never have filled the job prescription
Had I known I was simply a replacement piece.
I have enough merits of my own;
I don’t need to be anyone’s second-best.
I was happy and I let that go;
I let that go and hurt someone.
Just to be with you.
Those months I spent with you,
You are now screaming in my face-
They didn’t mean anything.
They were a break, a vacation.
And all of our mutual friends
Thought I was just a phase
And I ignored their judgement
And my own
Because in my mind you were perfect.
But here you go,
Proving them correct.
But when did you warn me not to let it matter?
When was I told you could throw me away in the blink of an eye?
When was I informed you wouldn’t get over her?
When did you ask me not to care?
I was a brilliant charade to take your mind off other things.
And maybe if I was more blatent
Maybe if I yelled and screamed,
Stalked you and threw my own temper-tantrums
Maybe then you wouldn’t forget me either?
That’s the subliminal message I’m receiving.
Mr. Let-It-Go never followed his own advice.
And maybe I don’t need you as much now as I did,
Maybe I’m trying my hardest to think of other things,
But you insist on blemishing even the sweetest memories that I had
By showing me it wasn’t real.
And I’m struggling
Because people keep telling me to let go
But I couldn’t have cared about you more if I had tried.
And neither, I suppose, could she.